Answering the Caterpillar and my Coach

Thinking about the classic Alice in Wonderland, I am reminded of the Caterpillar’s question, "Who are YOU?" Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present--at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."

Just as Alice sensed herself changing, I have looked back over the past three years and asked myself how I had changed. This came about when Bart asked me, who I saw when I looked in the mirror. And after some time to think, I had this answer for him:

I recently finished reading the novel, for JOSHUA, where the author comments, "getting anywhere means you have to make a journey. But on this journey, to find where you belong, you really only have to travel one direction – you have to travel inside yourself, not down long, narrow roads."

I came to Holland three years ago now because of the opportunity I saw to get a fresh start. I still had a strong passion to be a top athlete, but I needed to start over; the paths I had been down had not taken me where I wanted to go. Therefore, I showed up in Holland with the courage to take the risk, but lacking the knowledge of what it really meant to do it. I thought I did. However, I still only learnt what it meant in my head. I still only committed this to thought and not to action.

That first year was all about learning technique, theory, patience. I realized that despite my years in the sport, I still had so much to learn. The second year was about testing my commitment, and my passion. The obvious struggle over various injuries was not always about the physical recovery. The mental recovery was sometimes the harder part. It was important for me to look at the reasons why I was going through these various struggles and to know it was something I wanted.

Year three was about owning my dream, my goals and my journey. I remember training one afternoon with Bart and discussing how suddenly I truly knew what I wanted, that my goals were now mine and not that of my former coach or my dad's, but mine.

Since then, I am beginning to appreciate what I have achieved with my life and for surviving all I had put myself through. The novel talks about how "as human beings we want to be rewarded with a Technicolor dream instead of a black-and-white reality – it's about being grateful for what I have and not resentful, angry, or hurt over what I don't have." I do this too much – look forwards too often and miss the present moment.

The author writes, at the end of his journey, “you can never be less than who you were created to be. You never have to qualify. You never have to prove yourself. You just have to be.”

So to answer the Caterpillar and my coach, I would say I am someone who has spend a long three years learning who she is and what she wants. I am ready to be Susan, someone with passion, a strong work ethic, and a dream!

Your Athlete,
Susan