Hello,
Well, I hope you are enjoying the final days of your summer holiday! Almost time for school to start again ... sorry, possible sore subject?! hehe
Things are going ok on this end. One week till my heptathlon competition in Woerden and I’m actually getting excited to get out there and compete – been some time since I could actually say that! Training is going well, and I’m gaining one or two things in each event at the moment that I think I can carry through next weekend and play with to just enjoy competing and put less focus on results! Here’s hoping!
I have had a few emotional days making possible final preparations with Bart and discussing options for next year (whether to train here in Holland or go home to Canada!). He’s now gone on holiday, so we have said our goodbyes which this time was much less dramatic in feeling than when I left in June! I think this time around the difference is the sense of rest from what happened this season to date and where I’m heading next year. I was having a hard time shaking this feeling of being scared and unwilling to leave here, but after talking to some good friends, I think I know why.
The hardest part of saying goodbye to Bart was this fear of losing his friendship when I stay in Canada. However, when I’m honest with myself, going home to train does make sense and helps me be in the best position for 2012 qualification. Then a friend pointed out to me that Bart will always be like family to me and we’ll find ways to stay in touch – think about the reverse, living in Holland at the moment I manage to stay in touch with family and friends ok back home!
It’s just that after 4 years together I am very comfortable working with Bart and value his friendship. But I guess this is just part of our journey. He made a joke 4 years ago that if I was serious about training I needed to be here in Holland and he would coach me. Ultimately the joke was on him, because I packed my bags, arranged a visa and showed up ready to train! Thing is, at that moment, it was just what I needed – I saw the opportunity of a fresh start and someone who believed in me, someone who taught me to believe in myself!
Now, compared to 4 years ago, I have a strong PB in the heptathlon, a world ranking, and potential to improve much further still! I am aware of what works and what doesn’t work and finally financially independent as a full-time athlete! All in all, I’m in a position to stand up for myself and not just ask, but demand the best for me!
So, I’m opening myself up to the idea of training with Andy Higgins in Toronto or Les Gramantik in Calgary. I’m ready to embrace this opportunity to challenge myself on new fronts and get back to my roots. But it’s a funny thing about coming home – looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You’ll realize what’s changed is you. After 4 years at university in America and 4 years living in Holland, it feels strange to come “home” to Canada and realize just how much I’ve changed since I left.
I’ve always considered myself a free spirit, go where the wind goes and take chances. I say to myself I am independent, hardworking and stubborn enough to handle what life throws me. I always trust that my family will love me whether I win or lose the various battles, and home would always be there when I was ready – I just didn’t think home would come so soon.
I had hoped Bart would be my coach throughout my career, bring me all the way – that we would stand together in London in 2012, and feel proud of our 7 year partnership and journey. Because of that hope, I felt at first that I was failing to make Holland work. Like going home was some sort of consolation. Then I stopped myself and took a good long look at this past year: how tough it was, how often I struggled and how lost I felt the past few months. Going home is not a consolation at all. It’s just realizing my limits and saying, I need my family and friends – there’s nothing defeated about that!
If I could have the best of both worlds, I would pack Bart in my suitcase and bring him with me, but his life is here. He’s shaping up to be a top coach in Holland and has his own journey to take. Therefore, our paths may soon part as coach and athlete, but I know as friends, we’ll always stay in touch.
Then again, nothing is truly decided for next year and beyond! For now I’ll try stay focused on the upcoming two competitions and getting back to just enjoying my talent as a track athlete! Come October, I’ll take the necessary time to make the best choice for myself and how to proceed forward!
Your Athlete,
Susan
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